When I was seventeen, I got into a misguided relationship that left me pregnant. My boyfriend, the father of the child, abandoned me as soon as he learned I was pregnant. I had to put my schooling on hold and face the disappointment of my parents. But I had the boy, and my mom informally adopted him one year later so that I could return to school and lead a normal life. Now, eight years after, the ghosts of my mistake have come to haunt me. I am engaged to be married to Nonso who thinks my son is my brother. One of my uncles insists he should know the truth and threatens to tell him if I don’t. I don’t want to feel blackmailed and I don’t want to lose Nonso, especially because this is a secret I kept from him the entire two years we dated.
Nkechi
Dear Nkechi, reading your mail saddens me, particularly because I understand the ideology that drove you to this predicament in the first place. It is unfortunate that society still shames single mothers, and that our social wiring views unmarried mothers as damaged, diminished and not of marriageable quality. Why else would you have thought of keeping such a personal detail about your life from the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with? On the other hand, it might also be a good thing that this is coming up now. Imagine if Nonso, your fiancé marries you then discovers you kept such a secret from him? Do you think he will ever be able to trust you again? Do you think your marriage will be able to survive that kind of strain?
I think you should brace up and tell him. I’m not saying he would take such news with a smile, but it’s his life too. He needs to know what to expect and he deserves honesty from the woman he is marrying. You know you would demand and expect same if the roles were reversed. Also, it will be far worse if he finds out from another person, like your uncle for instance. I don’t think it’s a risk you should even consider. Secrets, no matter how deeply or neatly buried have a way of rearing their heads again.
So talk to him, more importantly, you are the mother of a wonderful son, don’t give that up. There are people who would love you with all the package of your past. Don’t turn down the opportunity to be present in the life of your child because he came unexpectedly. Own your motherhood. Be proud of it. And I hope Nonso will embrace you regardless of the secret you kept.
DPA BLOG
DPA BLOG
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