Tosyn Bucknor's Ten 10s: I know how to solve the Justin Bieber problem.

I was doing the show when I stumbled across a lot of updates re: ‘The Biebs’. First, he gets charged with a DUI (driving under the influence) and resisting arrest, then comes an online petition asking that he be deported. The petition got the requisite 100,000 signatures (which does not mean he will be deported; just means the petition has to be looked at) and he turned himself in at a Canadian police station to face charges of assault based on a December incident…

Wow.

I thought long and hard about how to solve the Justin Bieber problem. Usher, if you are reading this, these are my submissions.

1. Send him to Nigeria without his superstar status: Welcome to Nigeria, no, really, welcome. We love everybody and usually treat them like royalty when we know who they are. But, please, let him deal with immigration and our airports without the benefit of handlers and facilitators.

2. Get him a room in a house in Akowonjo or Mushin or Ajangbadi or… you catch my drift: Most stars stay in hotels when they come here (and still grumble). So, please, get Justin a room in a face-me-I-face-you compound. A few days of queuing to fetch water, queuing to shower, and maybe engaging in one or two arguments with the neighbours should help him find gratitude.

3. Let him sleep in said house without a generator: Aww, this would just rock. Light? What’s light? Please ensure he has a lot of candles, mosquito repellents and a transistor radio. It won’t help though as Nigerian mosquitoes tend to come for dinner armed with gas masks, ear-plugs, forks, knives, and picnic tables.

4. Let him understudy a Lagos bus conductor: Instead of his regular voice training sessions, he would have to call the bus stops like ‘Yaba/Palmgrove’. It is important for Justin to appreciate his voice and his trainers. A week screaming bus stops and maybe getting punched by a tout or two should help.

5. Give him a car after a week and let him do the daily commute a typical Lagosian does from Monday to Friday: He was drag racing, right? Please let him get an expensive car. But he has to leave for work at 5:30am from Ikorodu to his office in Victoria Island, close at 6pm and head back home. Usher, after that, he will never want to drive again.

6. Hire a typical Nigerian mum to be his foster mum for the duration of his stay: We have something known as ‘omorogun’ here. That’s all I am saying.

7. Let him toast Nigerian girls, and maybe date one: I see the pretty girls he hangs out with, we have pretty girls too. Hee Hee Hee. Please, let Justin ask our girls out on dates, take them out and buy them flowers. Hee Hee Hee.

8. Have him perform at one of our shows without anyone mentioning his real name: Give him a wig — our Nigerian artistes sometimes have to deal with audiences that just stare. They don’t clap, they don’t dance, they don’t sing along. They just stare. A few shows here as a nobody and he will love his fans even more.

9. Plant weed in his house and call the police: I can’t even type straight, I am laughing so hard. I noticed that in all Justin’s pictures and videos, he hadn’t been harassed by the policemen that arrested him. I mean, he even had the luxury of turning himself in at the Canadian station. Oh Justin, the Nigerian police, they would love you.

10. Then let him do a spell in a Nigerian cell: I would have said maybe a day or two in Kirikiri but we just want to save him not scar him for life. So, a night at any of our regular police stations should do.

We love Justin Bieber, and we want him to get well soon. Try rehab, maybe time off, and maybe a talking to. But, if all else fails, send him here.

Thank you.

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About King Angela Uyi

I am Angela Uyi aka Mama Naija|Two time Social Media Personality Winner| A smooth talker| Humanitaria| Ghost Writer| CopyWriter |Twitter:@Angelauyi |