My Name Is Angela Uyi:THIS IS MY LIFE

I learn that fear is not real; it only lives in our imagination. Fear comes to our present as a result of our past and when we make it our area of residence it brings agitation into our lives. The past is full of impossibilities, things we cannot change-so it brings fear. Fear is what we’d created in our reality. The present is only our belief, fleeting moment. The future is possible so we have some control over it.

Whether this theory worked for me or not I cannot fathom.

My entire life has been a constant battle between what I want, what I know, and what terrifies me. Most often than not they all end up being the same thing which for me can be very confusing and isolating. I run away from love. I crave it, but I run away from it. I have spent my entire life settling for what I know I can live without rather than putting myself in a position I know could completely destroy me. Yet the one thing in the world that I dream for more than anything is nothing less than complete soul consuming love.

How am I supposed to allow myself to feel something that completely terrifies me? The taste of such love I have felt in the past I shut them out as soon as I got to the point that if my heart were to be broken I would not recover. Yet in doing such I have become scarred anyway. Does any of this even make sense? I feel as though I am prone to having my life ripped from under me. It has happened so many times I have lost count.

I have had to rebuild a new life for myself far from where I was before over and over again. I have had lifelong dreams crumble to ash and fly away in the wind in the blink of an eye. I have had so many knives in my back it is a miracle that I can even stand straight. Yet after all of the heartbreak and misery let alone the pure irony of my life I still yearn for everything that paralyzes me. This is never something I talk about. Hardly anyone in this world knows my true fears or even the reason for them.

After a conversation with Tony a friend I met on LinkedIn a few nights ago it really hit me like a truck that I ultimately hide so much of myself even though I do put myself out there for the world to see or read me, in every aspect that I do. Growing up I became so good at acting like I was okay despite what was actually going on that I even get lost in the illusion from time to time. The fact of the matter is I care too much. Even if I hardly show it, or show it way too much, it still does not by a fraction equal the capacity of love that my heart is built for. Yet I am terrified to show that. I cannot pinpoint the exact cause or reason as to why simply because I have been this way for as long as I can remember.

I have been blessed in my life to see the fragileness of everything life has to offer. This blessing is equally a blessing as it is a curse. It is that way for the fact that even though I may not always express my intentions, reasons, feelings, or hopes of something, I know that I feel them. Inside myself I am able to see the beauty in everything so intently, but I rarely have been able to let my guard down enough to share that with another.

I know that life has caused me to be more cautious because of my past no matter how hard I try to push my insecurities out of my life. I find that when I do that they actually are worse because my subconscious still remembers and makes decisions for me without even realizing until days, later, or longer. I know part of the reason is I am terrified to hurt people. My life is one that is ultimately going to cause hurt in spite of my best efforts.

Whether it be my health or my subconscious trying to protect a loved one from that everyone eventually comes to resent me in one way or another. To the point that I have an entire collection of people I would do anything for though they have done everything they can to hurt me that I have nothing but complete unreasonable love for. It makes no sense to me at the same time that it does. These are all things I am trying to come to terms with and figure out how to balance my own life. I have spent the last year and a half of my life doing everything I can do to finally be good in my own shoes and stand on my own two feet. Before that I had completely lost my identity. I spend the first 14 years of my life as one person. Then the next 14 doing everything I could to be somebody but could never shake the need to be attached to somebody.

When I finally after so long and so much heartache am good on my own with my own identity someone comes along and offers to change that. It’s someone that has been in my life for years and very well could be someone that I could stand on my own two feet with without losing myself. That fact literally horrifies me. I have never had something like that before. Every relationship before I have put absolutely every fiber of my being into to the point that I lost all drive to be my own and it destroyed me. It might have destroyed me but it is all I know. Though that is true that is not what I crave. I crave something almost magical.

Someone who can sweep me off my feet but at the same time keep me on the ground. Someone that feels like home but isn't afraid to see the possibilities in the world with me and the pure beauty of it. Someone who can handle watching me die but not just watch me, comfort me to the point that I do not feel alone. Someone who knows everything about me and can see things even I do not see. I need someone who isn't afraid to allow me to be all that I can be. Is this person that person? I don't know. Is it possible? I think so. Does that scare me? Absolutely! I only hope that I can figure out a way to allow myself to open up in order to see if such a thing is even possible. Only time will tell and only God knows.

I feel a sense of security but at the same time I feel the most venerable that I think I ever have before. I don't know what that means but I am tempted to find out. They say everything happens for a reason. People come back into your life until their purpose has been filled. So is this his purpose? Is this the way we are meant to be? If only I could get my brain wrapped around the situation enough to find out for myself. Each day it becomes clearer.

Though it baffles me that every time I get sick someone come into my life in such a way, but each time is different. Is it the universe's way of giving me hope? That is possible I think. I do feel hope at the moment. At the same time I feel the constant need to cry. This time of the year is so emotional for me.

Everything reminds me of people that are no longer here. People I would kill for just to have back into my life, or even fact of the matter kill for them to be able to have life. This feeling gets me stuck in this circle rut of a depressive state that I so rarely share with anyone. Some days are better than others. Some days are clear and some days are hazy.

When I wrapped up myself to the hospital bed and the only prayer that come close to my mind was ‘God please forgive me all my iniquities and give me another chance to live life. I have so many things to do on earth make me whole again and heal me. Those were the prayers I repeatedly say to God. Something might make me feel as though He is not hearing me pray but the consciousness I had within me that God is everywhere and he lives inside of me gave me hope to live.

Those who love you would pray more than you do.

My heart breaks within me when my boss’ kids came around the hospital to visit me and the 2nd child  asked me Aunty why are you sick?

And the 3rd said to me please don’t sick again. They are only but kids within me I cried and I said within me I wish I could break free from this bed and go home.

They prayed for me and in their prayers I heard one of them said "Oh God Aunty Angela must not die please heal her body. I held back my tear from falling down my cheeks. Oh I'm loved by these toddlers. I must break lose this ailment.

As one of the nurses came to check on me I told her that I want them to discharge me that moment but she said the doctor hasn't given them the permission to do so.

I prayed within me and I knew that God heard my prayers when my doctor walked in and said you would be discharge tomorrow. I knew God Exist and He hears the prayer of the saint.

When I got home I felt so alone because there was no one in the house with me. I was just there with the bruise from the injection drip as I look through my veins I could still see the traces of where the injection IVD passed through it left it marks. How lonely was I?

Well, I need to grown up and do my things myself even though it wasn’t easy. Friends can only come around when things are rosy for you. I was all by myself and I must survive.

From time to time I feel as close to a zombie that I think is possible. Other times I feel more alive and grateful for my life than ever before. I suppose this is what growing up is like. What it is like to find yourself. I know I am finding myself. Perhaps as time goes on everything won't be as scary as they seems. Perhaps as time goes on things will get even scarier. I don't know, but I want to grow up. 

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About King Angela Uyi

I am Angela Uyi aka Mama Naija|Two time Social Media Personality Winner| A smooth talker| Humanitaria| Ghost Writer| CopyWriter |Twitter:@Angelauyi |